I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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