ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
