When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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