Soap is not a condiment
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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