Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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