gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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