I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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