There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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