I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
