just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
