Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
