I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
