Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
