Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
