I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
