You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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