pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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