he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
