Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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