Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
