lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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