Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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