Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
