There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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