she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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