saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
