You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I checked into jail on foursquare
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
