WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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