I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
