There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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