dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
