my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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