ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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