they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
