nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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