I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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