I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
