So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
