Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
