nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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