it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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