Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
