omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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