Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
please don't ironically join a cult
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