Can Purell be used as lube?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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