She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
