we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
