everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
