Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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