Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
