Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
