Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
