I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
