my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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