youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
