could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
