You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
