my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
