Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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